Benchtalk

Challenge: Man-hating chick-lit

ELISABETH (31, TALL, BLOND, ALL AMERICAN BEAUTY) AND MARIA (33, SMALL, BROWN DEER EYES) SIT ON A PARK BENCH, HOLDING STARBUCKS CUPS.

Maria: So he just left?

Elisabeth: He didn’t even have the balls to collect his stuff.

Maria: Well, sweety, seeing you mad scares all of us.

Elisabeth: At least women don’t give up and hide as soon as things get complicated. He could have just stopped for a minute to think. Guess his prehistoric, testosterone-filled pea-brain wasn’t able to. When are men going to grow up, Maria?

Maria: Not until they stop running to their mommy, every time their ego gets hurt!

Elisabeth: Enough of this cheating bastard. Speaking over mommies, what did the doctor say about your in vitro fertilization request?

Maria: He held a big speech about ethics. ROLLS EYES. How he wasn’t sure if he could honor my request. Stared at me like I was crazy, too. But I swear to god, I’d rather not get pregnant at all than having to carry and raise a boy!

Elisabeth: And you shouldn’t have to.

SCENE BREAK.

ONE YEAR LATER. SAME BENCH, SAME WOMEN. MARIA IS PREGNANT.

Maria: So how did he take it?

Elisabeth: He acted like he didn’t know what was wrong. Nearly cried, too.

Maria: Well, sweety, no man can handle a strong, independent woman.

Elisabeth: At least women can be independent. Men never seem to get rid of their Oedipus complex. Wanting to suck their mommies tits for the rest of their life. When are men going to take responsibility for their own life, Maria?

Maria: Not until they begin taking an example of us women instead of praising their patriarchy!

Elisabeth: Enough of this lazy bastard. Speaking about mommies, what did your ultrasound show?

Maria: You will NOT believe this. Apparently, everybody around me is incapable. They just told me it will be a boy after all! No wonder this pregnancy had been so awful. And now there is no time for an abortion left. I will sue the doctor, I do not want to bare a boy.

Elisabeth: And you shouldn’t have to.

SCENE BREAK.

ONE YEAR LATER. SAME BENCH, SAME WOMEN. MARIA IS PREGNANT AGAIN.

Maria: So you didn’t even get started?

Elisabeth: He came to the date without roses!

Maria: Well, Sweety, men just don’t know how to treat women.

Elisabeth: At least women know how to treat themselves. Men do not care. They have no sense for women’s feelings. Without a woman, they will even forget their mommy’s birthday present. When are men going to respect our emotions, Maria?

Maria: Not until they understand their own emotions. And respect their mothers.

Elisabeth: Enough over these male bastards. Speaking about mommies, how is your second pregnancy?

Maria: So much better! I can sense it’s going to be a girl. And it sure as hell should be after what I had to go through. Handling an adoption is so much work, I regretted not just leaving him at the hospital. Luckily it’s done now. I could not have raised a boy.

Elisabeth: And you shouldn’t have to.

SCENE BREAK.

THE CAMERA FOLLOWS BOTH WOMEN HOME. ELISABETH HAS A NICE TOWNHOUSE. HER HUSBAND IS WAITING FOR HER.

Elisabeth: Honey, I’m home!

MARIA LIVES IN THE SUBURBS. WHEN SHE OPENS THE DOOR, TWO BOYS COME RUNNING TOWARDS HER. THEY ARE FOLLOWED BY HER HUSBAND.

Maria: Hey cuties, did you miss mommy?

CAMERA CUTS BETWEEN THE TWO SCENES.

Elisabeth: It was awful, I don’t know why I still do that to myself every year.

Maria: You won’t believe how much I hate this.

Elisabeth: She has given her son up for adoption! After years of trying to get pregnant.

Maria: She cannot date a single guy without struggling with the smallest of flaws.

Elisabeth and Maria: I don’t even know what to tell her next.

Husbands: Maybe try the truth… You do not actually hate men.

SCENE.

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